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Sunday, 23 August 2015

Searching.

And they all lived happily, ever after.

It's what we all want. We strive for that happy ending. I was given the best bit of advice when I first decided to get on and write a book and it was this.. Everyone, even men Rose, want to read a happy ending. It's human nature.

And we all spend our lives wanting the path to become clear and the way we walk to be the correct route, see nodding, smiling heads as we go and hold hands with equal silent agreement and a mutual comfort. But (there is always a but) as we walk wanting this to be our normality and our default, surely we should remember that on our journey we need to have hills to climb and obstacles to clamber over, the road might not be a straight one and not all the heads we pass will nod or smile. It is the working out that creates the journey and the difficulties to resolve that open the way. A happy ending is all very well but each of us needs to get there. It doesn't just happen and rarely life is as straight forward as meeting a prince (or princess) on a white horse to ride off into the sunset. Quite frankly, I have a few too many bits and pieces for a journey on horseback and what would I do with the girls, cats and dogs. Not forgetting the new birthday hamster? Nope, for me, no knight in shining armour is going to carry me off into the sunset. It simply wouldn't work. My knight will have to have a pair of capable hands and at least own some wellies.

Back in France, 30 years ago, I held the hand of a beautiful blond boy. He was tanned and utterly charming. He was a diver and we climbed rocks so he could dive 30 or 40 feet, maybe more, into the Mediterranean. I remember being exhilarated by his courage and ability to dive so brilliantly into the unknown. The adrenalin alone was almost worth the difficulty of each climb. I would sit cross-legged at the top of the cliff and watch him wave at me when he reappeared from the turquoise water. His beaming smile of achievement and my smile of young love and relief. Every summer for 3 years we held hands and climbed together. I wonder what happened to him? I have looked for an older version of that beauty each time I have taken my girls back to the same village. I hope he is happy and has children who swim and maybe dive like their daddy. I am worried that he one day he climbed too high and never re-appeared because I cannot find a single trace of him when I look or ask but like I said at the start, we all like a happy ending. It's the smile and the wave I focus on. Who knows, maybe next time.

Un gros morceau de Fromage..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8jO0c4gJy0

Monday, 17 August 2015

Absence.

I've been away. In more senses than one. I have made a few decisions and am sticking by them. One is this, if someone isn't kind and I mean like behaves in a really crappy way towards me more than once, I am fully entitled to walk away from them without feeling like a bitch. It's obvious isn't it? Why would anyone want a friend who is nasty? Nobody does. It shouldn't be a surprise or a reason to keep being mean. Just leave it. 

Another is this, I am fully entitled to do what I want with who I like if I believe that it is my decision to do so. I don't need permission to live my life or be granted a free ticket (or is it a pink ticket?) to go to a concert, festival, market or out for dinner. If I get asked and I want to go, then I shall. Cinders I may be and I will never be a princess but I don't need a fairy godmother to make me go. It's my choice.

I stumbled upon an old email from an ex looking for a unexpected recent one. I couldn't find it annoyingly because I wanted the link for a suggested song. But I had forgotten about the old one and it was really horrid. An angry, accusational, dramatically incorrect piece of writing telling me off for changing my mind. That's the third one by the way. If I want to change my mind, I simply can't help it. There is usually a reason behind it but I'm not good at candy flossed excuses. I will simply say that I can't after all. It's no big deal but I don't need to be insulted. The proof is in the pudding I guess.

And the last one is this. I love my life. I work bloody hard at keeping my life the way I like it and the way it works for my girls and me. If someone steps in and kicks about a bit, scuffing up the rugs and then expects the dust to settle when they are the reason it is flying high, I will simply close the door on you when you leave. Let us be who we are. Allow me the decency to do my job the way I do it and be who I am. Please.

The thing is, whilst I was away, I realised that a few miracles have happened in my life. True miracles. I have had days when I have prayed for help and I have had nights when I was oblivious to the destructive path I was walking unaware that I needed it. I have had friends who I thought would be with me forever and I have had met strangers who I have kept in touch with after a moment shared. I am questioned a great deal, asked a lot of and it is rarely that I don't answer. But.. I am now at a stage in my life where I like it as it is. I am happy enough with what I have got and I love who I love. I feel blessed and I am grateful. I truly believe I am only half way through and I have the knowledge already that it is about inside not out. I can smell life and taste excitement. I can sit in silence and sway in tune. I know what works and I feel what doesn't. I have hands to hold and a heart bursting with pride. My mistakes have been the best moves I ever made simply because I didn't expect them nor do I ever want to change them. I love with all my heart, always have and always will. And I never lie. Why would I?

I was 14 years old when I sat in a restaurant in The South of France on my birthday with a boy who sang to me. My mum lit the candles on the cake. We watched the fireworks together. 30 years on, I sat there with my children watching a repeat of times gone by. Watching their faces light up and loving them for everything they are giving me without even knowing it. I realised as the music played that if I ever want to do anything, all I have to do is walk forwards and do it.

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