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Thursday, 28 August 2014

A glimmer.

Sometimes there is a tiny glimmer of what I presume is hope. A possibility. A chance. My chance. And then all too soon the glass I know so well as half full is almost empty. I step forwards yet I am pulled back. I look up and there is a crack in the clouds where I know the sun is but I can't see it. I believe it's there but the dark sky won't budge. I hope and I long for the clouds to part and just when I think they won't move, I turn and the sky is blue. Clear blue sky allowing the warmth of the sun to touch the soil I stand on. The ache from my bones lifts my spirit as it heals and I trust again. I know that it will be okay. Even when it feels that it can't be and won't be okay, I have to drag my feet through the treacle of doubt to get to the other side. Keep walking, keep moving and keep believing that some day, maybe soon, I will be fully expected to stand still and breathe. Judge if you like. Presume too. But never doubt my ability to achieve. I am a woman and without sounding too twerp-ish, there aint much we can't do if pushed.

Thanks Fuck it's Friday. Nearly. I have been wading though glue all week. Too many hurdles to jump and too many bridges to cross. Get my meaning? Inadequate, inefficient losers who are in my life because of desperate choices I made. I will carry the burden of pain my entire life but I will never forgive the excuses. Incompetent nobody's. Irrelevant in the every day picture but I smile, I thank through gritted teeth and I wave Goodbye with a middle finger. Whatever.

The clouds moved and I saw him standing. Tall. Strong. Handsome. I have a chance. I have hope. I have exactly what I always knew I could have if only I believed a bit longer. I will walk and move forwards but I am pretty certain that when I do, I will be walking alongside the soul that I was meant to be with all those years ago. She would wave one fist and laugh at the same time. I can hear and see her doing just that. "Look!" I keep saying out loud, "Can you believe it?" and every time I imagine the conversation with her, all I can hear is this,
"Of course I can believe it. I told you it would come right".
Nearly. Almost.
That'll do.

Monday, 25 August 2014

It hurts.

Sometimes life should be pain free. No hurt. No nastiness. No ill health or poverty. No famine. No war. Absolutely no horridness at all. Just for a day. Wouldn't it be lovely? Wouldn't it be just how life should be for one day if no one told a lie? Stood still and loved rather than walked away and hated?

I know. It'll never happen. But it's what I want. Just for one day. For the whole world to be kind.

Instead I shall drink a glass of wine an hour too early and feel the love that I am allowed to feel in these four walls. Honest and straight forward. The pain will still be there reminding me of the reality but I can love. I am allowed. I don't need a permission slip.

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Many years later.

I now understand why I am here. I now know that my purpose is simply to be me. I am allowed to feel safe. I accept that the pain and the fear might never go away completely but I am perfectly entitled to stand still and breath. 
Which is what I did. 
I stood, I let the tears fall and I felt the frightened child becoming the happy woman. The sun shone. The air was clean. He held my hand. Tight. I know that he will never let it go. I can stop now. I can take a step to the side and I know that I have my reason. The feeling is one of completeness. No question. No doubt. It is clear. As clear as the sky was as we stood hugging each other almost 3 decades later.
I hope my mum would have smiled down on us. I believe she might even have laughed. It is the most extraordinary experience of my life. Without any doubt in my mind, I now know exactly why I was born.
I am the luckiest woman alive.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

If you really want.

You can get it if you really want. Oh how I try, I try, Oh I try. You'll succeed at last.
Quite simply, if you want something bad enough, work harder for it. Put some effort in girl. Go that extra mile. Dig deep. Visualise it. Believe it. Trust in yourself. It'll come right. "You're time will come" Mum used to say that all the time. Maybe she had a point? I believe so.

I have always wanted something. I have always believed that one day I would, with luck and if wishes granted, possible could have it. I knew it would be worth waiting for. It had to be because no one feels sad, neglected, hurt and alone for years without one day learning why. I trusted in fate, karma and I prayed that someone, that one would walk into my life and make it better. I believed that there was a reason for all the pain and for so often being so let down, treated like dirt, stepped over and forgotten.

I cannot believe that I have found him. It makes perfect sense. I have no need to question, feel frightened, be humiliated or fake it to make it anymore. I can stop being picked on and embarrassed by the jibes from other peoples husbands. So many do it. Little barbed comments as though we are standing in a spit and sawdust pub. It will stop now. It will stop once they realise. No more rude innuendos. No more jokes. They're not funny. Finally I am allowed to say that.

Mum would be 66 today. Still younger than Joanna Lumley. Always will be, sadly. Poor Mum. But Lucky Mum too that as I sit here this morning with a candle lit for her, my cup of green tea, my faux fur gilet keeping me warm, I can confidently say that it is hugely down to her that I am this happy.
If she hadn't moved from Wales and waited for us to join her..
If she hadn't got sober and found us a new school..
If she hadn't found a pretty home in a new village..
I would never have met him. Or held his hand. Or kissed him on the sea wall..

Happy Birthday Mum and Thank You.

Saturday, 16 August 2014


'Only those threatened by their own insecurities are the ones determined not to like you' was said to me yesterday. I am loved. I hope. I believe. I liked hearing it. I understand the thought process but there are a couple of angry faces that I certainly do not deserve so maybe..

It is only the negative, the unkind, that fail to see how easy it is to have a good life. It is the tiniest gesture that brings a smile to a troubled face. Or a moment of thought preventing the feeling of exclusion. Hold my hand. I need your hand. If only to join me.

There is a definite chill in the air. Autumnal. Already. Not even out of August. I miss the smell of the sun on my skin and I crave the sea air. Like a luxury, a treat, a gift to myself. We all need light. We all need air. Real air. Deep breaths.

I was hugged on my birthday. Not incessant squeezes from the girls which I thrive on but a real proper hug. Tight, strong and full of warmth. I cannot remember when someone last hugged me making me feel so completely safe. I want to say it was a decade ago but it's longer. I think I've waited a lifetime for a hug like that. 

If you want something bad enough..

I got married a decade ago today. I think it was today. It could have been tomorrow but it was a Saturday so I think today will do as a memory. I was pregnant with Nell. I was full of hope and life. And fear. I was trying to make a wrong decision right. Or maybe I trying to make a right decision wrong? Naive, scared and full of confusion. Ten years on and I cannot believe how far I've come. Just sitting here in our home with the girls safe and happy. I was married for less than a year. Less than 6 months. I knew but I thought I could fix it. Trouble was it didn't need fixing.

If you want something bad enough..

Friday, 15 August 2014

As lovely as this is

You may just have to give me your hand. I feel so amazingly lucky. I feel so completely safe. I was sitting surrounded by my family, my friends, my future. Everything felt perfect. I had the sun shining on one side, light rain on the other. Chilled pink wine in my glass and white crab on my plate. Smiling, laughing faces. Questioning me with excited eyes and hoping for the right answers. I obliged as much as I could. Fortunately, I have a conveniently short term memory and often it's the smaller details that slip by. Rarely though do I forget the more important ones. However, I seem to be forgotten all the time. I'm relieved that I do. It makes it easier. It was why I spent my birthday with the ones that have never left me. Loyal, true and dependable. From the beginning to the end. From the first cup of tea to the last glass of wine. Not a single negative moment. The rain got heavier but the mood and the spirits lifted.

Yet today, post party, post annual celebration I am completely sad. I miss my mum. I want to tell her in a whispered voice the secrets I have kept just to make her eyes shine and to hear her laugh. She would love it. Especially now. Pretend not to like it all, but she would love the story I have almost got to tell. It's an impossible tale of life. The kind of heart-warming comfort that you sit sucking your thumb to as a child. The hopeful eyes of an innocent child expecting a happy ending. We all wait to have this reality but the reality isn't the same as the story. Until the book is found, opened and read out loud once again.

There's a chapter missing. Maybe a couple actually but the story is still there. Mum would adore it. I can't think of a single person who wouldn't like it to be honest. It's my story to tell. Soon.

The sun is shining, my washing is on the line, my girls are happy and there is a roof on the new kitchen. Even better we have bath with proper taps, a basin and a really lovely loo. I have good friends and I am healthy. I feel like I have been given a chance. I am sitting tight. I will let it unfold and if my memory serves me right, it has potential to have the happy ending. This time when I read aloud the last line will go like this.. And she lived happily ever after.

If only I wasn't so completely sad. As lovely as this is.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Oh you pretty things.

Will you stay in my lovers story? If you stay you won't be sorry.

The sea air on my face, the wind in my hair, holding hands listening to my sony walkman. It was yellow. It was waterproof although why, I have absolutely no idea. If I swam with it, the headphones were not and it was as heavy as a brick. I was 15 years old.

Looking up at him with his highlighted hair, freckles and smiling eyes I felt completely safe. Holding hands, we stood there looking out to sea. It was a time of complete innocence and the unknown was ahead. Is it possible for have a teenage crush on two men? I am torn between undeniable love so deep that when I hear his voice, tears instantly fill my eyes. I crave him, want so much to absorb him into every pore of my being, live and love each second with a feeling so strong that I think I might die without him and then there's my boyfriend. 

At 15 years old, my love for David Bowie was quite over-whelming. 

Changes. Turn and face the strain. Time may change me. 

I look down at the over-sized leather friendship bracelet on my wrist. I will wear it until l see him again. I have promised. I am told that we cannot be together. The decision isn't mine to make. I will live somewhere else. I have no choice. I am not allowed to love him. But I do. Always will.

The path that I walk will be one I am pushed down. I wasn't guided, I was shoved. My fate, my future was drawn out for me. I had no choice. I scream protest thinking my heart will break into a thousand pieces and then I stop. I accept. I sigh. I look back but he isn't standing there. Don't you know you're driving your mamas and papas insane? How can you love someone so young? Don't be so absurd. But I did. I do, I pleaded. 
But her Mummy is yelling No. And her Daddy is telling her to go.

As she walks through her sunken dream. She's lived it ten times or more. Save me. 

Oh man, wonder if you'll ever know?

The dawn breaks as I look up from my desk. I am no longer 15 years old. I am an adult. I am the parent. I have two girls who one day will plead with me to let them hold hands with a teenage boy begging me to let them love. I swear as I sit here, I will never deny my girls their truth. Whether I think it's right or wrong, good, bad or ugly I will let them live it out. My path was altered. I believe now that it is righting itself. I have opened myself to letting life back in. The negative left. I shut the door on the angry. I turned away from the toxic. I ignore the silent pleas from the disturbed. I walk forwards with my head up. I breathe, I smile, I drop my shoulders and feel completely safe again. For the first time in over 2 decades. The sky is a silvery blue, the clouds have a touch of pink, the air is cold but not damp. I want to stand with my arms stretched out, head back, eyes closed. I give up. Resign myself to the simple fact, the truth, the reality. You might force a path, you might bend so much you think you will snap, you might squash feelings you deny into a box that isn't quite big enough and you can try so hard to push and shove but when you stop trying, stop forcing and allow life to open up, I believe the answer that you have been questioning forever and ever will appear right in front of you. Just let it be. 

It's so obvious. It's so simple. I wish so much I had saved her. Saved the forceful adult and helped the vulnerable child. I wish I had listened not shouted. Loved softly not urgently. Breathed rather than gasped for air. I was frightened. I was created and then discarded. I was terrified so I went with it. I still love her. I still love David Bowie. I still want to hold hands on the sea wall.

Will you stay in my lovers story? If you stay you won't be sorry. Cos we believe in you. Soon you'll grow so take a chance with a couple of kooks.. 

Just remember lovers never lose. I bought you a pair of shoes..

Will you stay in my lovers story?