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Friday, 22 May 2015

Note to Self.









Thursday, 21 May 2015

My path.

I have written and deleted and written again this post. It is in the eyes of someone I never expected to entertain with my writing. It has put me off. It has knocked me sideways and I have gone off course. The mere fact that I noticed that I went off route and sought advice and listened to help is a good thing, I am told. I have lost what I hoped to have for the rest of my life. It is not my fault that it appeared that I'd taken it. I hadn't. I was given it. I nearly stopped writing my blog because of it. Nearly. I still might.

I have learnt a few things over the years (same as everyone I expect) but in the last week or so, I have had some show-stoppers. The most shocking and hurtful is this. With over 300 viewings in one day when I bravely wrote that I was shit-scared that my chest x-ray might mean I have lung cancer only one friend who reads this, touched my arm and said, "I'm so relieved for you", a man I have never met who reads the odd post liked the good news and the rest stayed silent. My friends in real life, the ones I talk to and laugh with are obviously equally delighted for me but it's the silence that has hurt. My conclusion? I am certain that everyone was happy for me but no one felt happy enough to say it. Is it time to stop? It might be. 

I started this blog back in June 2009. It was an excuse, a reason, personal therapy probably and entertainment I'm sure. I have loved it and hated it. I sit here mostly in the mornings (the occasional rant in the evening has slipped by too) and tell the world and no one in particular what I think. Or what I thought. I don't know what I think anymore. The Boyfriend has left telling me he isn't sure. He needs space and time to work it out. I was sure. I now need time to understand what he is trying to work out. It is over but he won't say that. He has taken everything from this home except his cap. He has left his cap behind. I need to heal and recover. I feel humiliated and let down. Is it time to stop? It's time to stop trying so hard. 

This is my life. I choose my own path. He walked into it and held out his arms. I was so relieved to see him again. He promised me and reassured me that unlike so many, he would never walk away. I trusted him. It is now time to trust myself and open my arms once more for myself. I have hands to hold that need me, love me and together, we walk forwards. As a family.

Amazing isn't it that some people have so much yet they actually have so little. I can count my treasures on one hand and that'll do me. I will walk onto the sand next week holding the hands of my girls and knowing in my heart that I am real, true and decent. I don't sneak about. I don't interfere or meddle. I don't ask for any reason other than I care about the answer. I don't lie. I do worship the ground that my girls and I walk on. I do love my life. I do think anyone welcome in it with us is lucky. I do love the sun, sand and sea. It's the simple things in life that make me  happy. Family. Laughter, Love and Life. There is nothing more.

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Before the but is bullshit.

I am alive and well and the fear of having something wrong with me is over. For the time being. I am beyond relieved and I am determined not to waste a single day. I rarely do but what exactly do I ever achieve? Nothing.

I walk on with gratitude that health has been restored and possibility is something that I can have in my life. Always possibility. Hope. Wonder. Belief. 

Possibility. I have to believe that there is a reason for this path. Right now, I'm not sure that I need to know the reason. Not knowing is easier to accept than hearing what I fear the most.

When will I learn? Possibly never.

Life.

The doctor rang last night. I missed her call. I didn't know that I had missed the call until this morning. Absurd as that sounds. I took a deep breath and dialled the surgery.
"Oh yes, hello" said the receptionist, "could you wait a moment?" 
I sat in my car with nothing in my head. I had no idea what or why or when..
"I'm afraid the doctor isn't here to talk to you but I can see on your notes that she's written she wants to see you"
I still didn't know what, why or when.
Everything felt still.
"What about the x ray?" I asked, "does it say anything about the x ray?"
"Yes" she replied, "the x ray is fine".

I sat still and gave myself permission to breathe. Properly breathe with healthy lungs.

Never before have I felt so grateful.

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Hug of love.

So here's the thing. I am shit-scared waiting to hear if I am well or not. I mean, I am well of course. I am as fit as a flea. For a 43 year old woman, I am capable, determind, strong and resilient. I am grateful for the family genes that have guaranteed all of those characteristics in my being. Or perhaps it's simply because I'm Welsh? More likely, it's because I have been stuck in fight/ flight mode from not long after birth when my adrenalin kicked in to keep me alive. I am so used to fighting my corner and I have never given up. I have a few silent battles going on with greedy people who deserve nothing more than a smacked backside and they will eventually sort themselves out. I find it rather amusing that the ones that expect more often have a big, fat belly to go with their need. If only they could see what I saw. Seriously? Is anyone ever that hungry? In comparison, I seem to have lost my appetite.

So I sit here having thought I'd be silent for a while. I have been asked by The Boyfriend to let him sort himself out. Someone needs to do something. I have a candle lit this morning as the rain hits the kitchen roof window hard and I was greeted by my lurcher who had jumped up and eaten yesterdays Roast Chicken. Greedy. I expect she feels a bit sick now. Everyone seems to want more than they have? When do we ever think we have enough? On that rare occasion when we think we do, it is taken away. Like a puff of smoke.

A cup of coffee next to me like the warmth of an early morning smile and welcome silence to the start of my day before the girls wake. I am cold. In fact, I am shivering. Maybe I am scared. Parking that to one side for a moment, I want to say another 'Thank you'. A year ago last Saturday a woman, a friend, walked up to me and asked, "Please don't give up your blog.." and I remember being blown away by her support and surprised by her love for what I often think is my absurd ranting. She walked up to me again this weekend at our annual Daylesford festival and hugged me tight. She said this..

"A year ago today,Rose, I asked you not to stop writing. Please don't do it" and she hugged me harder than she had the year before.

I am finding Life very confusing. I don't understand how someone I loved so deeply, changed his mind. A proper reason for walking away. He has stuff to do. I have stood still and calmly and truthfully, let him go. What else is there to do? I want everyone I love to be happy. He will be. I am pretty confident that this will go they way I believe. That aside, I haven't smoked since I got pregnant in 2004 so I am hoping, praying and believing that I cannot possibly have lung cancer. There. Now I've said it.

There are many loving people around me that care when I really don't expect it. The hug from an old friend on a day when I was sad made me realise that it will be okay. One way or another, I won't give up.
Thank you X

Something on a Sunday.

It's really hard being a grown up. Really bloody hard actually. I'm just saying.